The Most Important Investigation of My Career
I have been a forensic tarot analyst for twenty minutes now, and I can say with complete confidence that this is the most significant case of my career. Possibly of all time. Let me explain.
You see, I was walking through an abandoned timeshare in Boca Raton—don’t ask why, it’s a long story involving a misunderstanding about a free breakfast—when I found it. A tarot deck. Not just any tarot deck. The tarot deck. I knew this immediately because it was the only one in the room.
The deck was wrapped in a faded beach towel that said “SUNNY DAYS AHEAD!” which is, of course, a direct reference to the optimism required to purchase a timeshare in the first place. I unwrapped it with the gentle hands of a man who has never handled evidence properly in his life. Seventy-eight cards. All present. This is either a miracle or the original owner was very organized.
Now, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the cards were arranged in a specific pattern on the floor. I believe this was a reading. I believe this reading was about the person who abandoned the timeshare. And I believe—based on my twenty minutes of expertise—that this person was not having a good time.
Let me walk you through the evidence.
The first card I noticed was The Tower. Now, in my training—which I received from a YouTube video that was actually about making pancakes—The Tower represents sudden destruction. But I think the person who left this deck was just really into architecture. Maybe they were an architect. Maybe they loved towers so much that they built one in their mind and then it collapsed because they forgot to pay the mortgage. The timeshare was empty, after all. Coincidence? I think not.
Next to The Tower was The Moon. This card is often associated with fear and illusion, but I believe the card was simply trying to tell us that the original owner enjoyed nighttime walks. Perhaps they walked away from the timeshare under cover of darkness. Perhaps they were a werewolf. The card is literally called “The Moon.” I don’t know why everyone makes this so complicated.
But here’s where it gets really interesting. The Five of Swords was placed face-up in the center of the arrangement. In traditional readings, this card represents conflict and hollow victory. But I have a theory: What if the card is just telling us that there were five swords? And what if those swords were the five different excuses the owner gave the timeshare salesperson before finally leaving? “I need to check with my wife.” “My wallet is in the car.” “I forgot my glasses.” “I’m actually allergic to fun.” “I have a dentist appointment.” Five swords. Five excuses. The math is undeniable.
The final card—the one that made me gasp audibly enough to scare a pigeon—was The World. This card usually signifies completion and fulfillment. But I think it’s more literal than that. The owner completed their journey. They fulfilled their destiny. They left the timeshare. They walked into the world. And they never came back.
I should mention that I also found a single flip-flop near the cards. Size nine. Left foot. This is not tarot-related, but I think it’s important to note that someone left in a hurry, possibly hopping.
So what does all this mean? Based on my extensive twenty-minute analysis, I have concluded that the person who owned this tarot deck was a deeply spiritual architect who loved moonlight walks, owned five swords for some reason, and eventually completed their life’s work by abandoning a timeshare and walking into the sunset with one shoe.
This is, without question, the most profound forensic analysis of a tarot deck ever conducted. I have learned nothing, but I have felt everything. And that, I believe, is the true meaning of the cards.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to return the deck to the room. I left my other shoe there.