Slave Tarot |

[Cold Read] I pulled the Death card and called my mom immediately

Jul 18, 2026

OFFICE OF THE CORONER FORENSIC TARATOLOGY DIVISION CASE FILE: #D3C3MB3R-777 SUBJECT: Deceased Party identified as “Client,” female, early 30s. Presented with acute card-related cardiomyopathy following a single-card pull. PRELIMINARY FINDINGS The specimen...

[Trend Report] Cardboard Box Fortunes: Tarot Readings For Homeless Deities

Jul 16, 2026

CARDBOARD BOX FORTUNES: Tarot Readings For Homeless Deities By Doom Doom Chic You think your life is a disaster? Please. Your “disaster” is a curated Pinterest board of broken teacups and fairy lights. Real catastrophe is when the universe stops bothering...

[Cold Read] Death certificate issued: the belief that this reading would be different

Jul 13, 2026

OFFICE OF THE CORONER — FORENSIC TAROT ANALYSIS DIVISION CASE NO.: 2024-BT-0001 DECEDENT: “The Belief That This Reading Would Be Different” EXAMINER: The Coroner PRELIMINARY FINDINGS The specimen was delivered in a state of advanced psychological...

[The Tourist] The Fool’s formal complaint about being used as an excuse for quitting

Jul 11, 2026

FORMAL COMPLAINT: THE FOOL’S OFFICIAL STATEMENT REGARDING RECENT MISREPRESENTATIONS OF MY CHARACTER To Whom It May Concern (and I mean everyone, really, because apparently my face is on cards everywhere now), I am writing this letter with my quill—which I just...

[Unsolicited Prophecy] The Tower requests you stop acting surprised every single time

Jul 9, 2026

THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN. No, wait—the cards have lain themselves face-down in a whispering heap and refuse to be turned, because they are tired. They are so, so tired, and The Tower itself has sent a message through the chittering of stone and the groan of unremembered...

[Exhibit A] Tarot Deck Accused Of Withholding Evidence In Cold Case Reading

Jul 6, 2026

CASE FILE: TAROT-2023-0117-BLACKWOOD SUBJECT: “The Lovers” (Card VI) – Alleged Withholding of Evidentiary Material CLASSIFICATION: FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY // PSYCHOMETRIC DIVISION DATE OF INCIDENT: 15 NOVEMBER 2023 DISTRIBUTION: Bureau of Esoteric Affairs;...

[Statement From The Deck] Inheritance Tax Audit Of The Collective Unconscious

Jul 6, 2026

I am the Ace of Pentacles, and I have been pulled 4,000 times. Not once did anyone ask how I was doing. They always want me for my money. Or what they think is my money. They slap me down on a velvet cloth, their fingers trembling with greed or desperation, and they...

[Unsolicited Prophecy] The cards said something before I understood it and here is what happened

Jul 4, 2026

THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN—though the cards, I must confess, are not speaking to me today. They are speaking through me, and I am a vessel, hollow as a dried gourd with a crack in the bottom where the tea drips out. Do not interrupt the prophecy. The prophecy is flammable....

[The Tourist] Tarot Deck Now Archiving Every Unsolicited Advice Column

Jul 2, 2026

The Fool’s Guide to Absolutely Everything (Even If You Don’t Ask for It) Hello, dear reader! Welcome to my very first advice column. I don’t know why they gave me this job, but I’m certain it’s because I’m the most trustworthy person in the whole tarot deck. I found...

[The Tourist] Tarot Deck Sued By Former Participant In Group Ritual Gone Wrong

Jul 2, 2026

My Expert Take on the Lawsuit Against That Poor, Misunderstood Tarot Deck Hello, dear readers! I have been an expert in tarot and legal matters for—let me check my watch—roughly twenty minutes now, and I have never felt more qualified to speak on the subject of a very...

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