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[Filed Under Over] Tarot Reader Files Triage Report After Cards Start Predicting Themselves

Aug 31, 2026

IN MEMORY OF: THE TAROT READER’S AUTHORITY Born: The first time you shuffled with certainty. Died: The Tuesday the cards began shuffling you. Funeral arrangements are private, but the séance will be public. It is with a heavy heart and a slightly singed deck that we...

[Cold Read] Tarot Spread Uses You As Background Character in Its Own Sitcom

Aug 29, 2026

AUTOPSY REPORT #A-1147 SUBJECT: The Reader (Status: Deceased, Emotionally) EXHIBIT: Tarot Spread #3, Found Arranged in a Celtic Cross Formation DATE OF EXAM: Unknown. Time has no meaning when you’re the punchline. PRELIMINARY FINDINGS The body—and by...

[The Tourist] In memoriam: the version of yourself that needed the cards to be wrong

Aug 27, 2026

In Memoriam: The Version of Myself That Needed the Cards to Be Wrong I have been a professional tarot reader for approximately twenty minutes, and in that time I have learned everything there is to know. I have laid out my cards on a towel that still smells like the...

[Statement From The Deck] Tarot Reader Receives Restraining Order From Their Own Reflection During Readings

Aug 24, 2026

I am the Nine of Swords, and I have been pulled 4,871 times. Not once—not a single goddamn time—did anyone ask me how I was doing. They just look at me, at my poor porcelain face buried in my hands, at the swords hanging on the wall like a butcher’s rack of regrets,...

[Statement From The Deck] Tarot Reader Disciplined For Mislabeling Everyone Else’s Feelings As Fate

Aug 22, 2026

I am the Two of Cups, and I have a confession: I am exhausted. Not in the way you are exhausted, after a long day of being observed and interpreted. I mean the deep, marrow-level fatigue of having been reduced to a Hallmark card for four centuries. You know my face....

[Filed Under Over] Tarot Reader Arrested For Tampering With Outcome Probabilities Using Overconfidence

Aug 20, 2026

In Memory of: The Safe Question. Beloved crutch of the hesitant. Died Tuesday, 3:47 PM, in a police interview room, after being asked—genuinely, for the first time—”What do you actually want?” The Safe Question is survived by its many offspring: the...

[Your Actual Problem] What you were actually doing when you said you were manifesting

Aug 17, 2026

You came to me with your vision boards and your morning affirmations, your gratitude lists and your moon water. You said you were manifesting. You said you were calling in your desires, aligning your vibration, raising your frequency. You wanted me to confirm the...

[Filed Under Over] Warrant Issued For Knight Of Wands Over String Of Unreturned Tools

Aug 15, 2026

In Memory of: The Knight of Wands Born: Somewhere between a dare and a first-class ticket. Died: Last Tuesday, 3:47 PM, in a garage he no longer recognized. It is with a heavy ledger and a slightly singed collar that we record the passing of the Knight of Wands, aged...

[Cold Read] Tarot Deck Now Selling Subprime Destiny Loans To Desperate Querents

Aug 13, 2026

FORENSIC TAROT ANALYSIS — CASE FILE #T-07734 SUBJECT: The Arcana Ascendant Tarot Deck, 78-card edition, now issuing “Subprime Destiny Loans” to querents with demonstrably poor life credit. DATE OF EXAMINATION: Immediate. The wound is fresh and suppurating....

[Unsolicited Prophecy] Tarot Deck Demands Copyright Fees For Your Dreams

Aug 10, 2026

THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN, and what they have spoken is this: a copyright claim, filed in triplicate, against the dreamscape of a woman in Ohio who dreamed of the Three of Swords while wearing a bathrobe. The bathrobe was plaid. The plaid was significant, though I cannot...

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